Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Signs on the Side of the Road

Ain’t nothing a good shot of whiskey can’t handle!

Around a week ago my current partner found out that the girl he had been dating for a few months has been double-timing him and seeing another guy on the side. I told him that’s what happens to guys like us with badges and horrible schedules – our chicks leave us and find someone who can pay attention to them. Being on the receiving end of a situation like that more times than I care to admit, I went over the tell-tale signs that no cop see’s until it’s too late. As I went through the signs, I realized that I could probably become a billionaire by writing a book about this stuff and saving guys a lot of time and headaches --- not to mention the cost of alcohol spent on getting these dames off of our minds. Instead of going through all that, I figured it would be better to just post it on my awesome blog for the world to see for free.

These are the top three warning signs that you need to get rid of your gal and move on. Most of this is cop-specific. I know that a lot of my fellow coppers read this blog, and I really appreciate it. Hopefully this will save a few of you guys from tossing back a shot of your favorite alcohol and saying “… eh ... screw it. There are better chicks out there, anyway.” If you’re not a cop, most of this stuff might seem kind of cynical and anti-woman. Welcome to our world.

1. Your gal doesn’t pick up her phone after 5:00 PM. Alright, I can’t stress this point enough. If you’ve been dating someone for at least a little bit and they stop answering your calls after 5:00 PM, especially if you work a PM or late afternoon shift, there’s a good chance she found someone new. We get used to having our schedules that go from 2 PM – 10 PM, or something similar. For us it’s normal. That’s when the bad guys are out, and that’s when we get our best work done. Unfortunately that’s when everyone else is winding down their day. If she’s not picking up the phone after 5:00 PM, she’s either talking to someone else or kicking-back with someone else who has more than five minutes to chat with her. Time to move on, dude.

2. She’s spending a lot of time with her family. Women go into relationships using the excuse of “spending time with their family” just in case they need to drop you like a bad habit, and they also use it when they’re in a relationship with you and they’re thinking about stepping out. You’re a jerk if you take it personal that they’re want to spend time with their sister or their mom, and they know this. If you notice they’re spending a few too many weekends with the “family” or there are a few late nights (or unanswered phone calls) during that time period that they’re spending time with their “family,” it’s time to pack her stuff for her and move onto the next gal.

3. Her house isn’t a good place to go anymore. Unless you’re dating a gal you met while serving a gang injunction in Compton, she won’t mind that you want to spend time at either your place or hers. If she’s turning sketchy and wants to spend more time at your place, or just wants to go to grab a bite to eat (or something of the like) and then go home --- and definitely not to her place --- then she definitely has something going on on the side. Save yourself from that morning hangover and drop her like a bad habit.

Most of this is common sense, but I had to go through a few bad dating episodes before it finally kicked in. The bottom line is that you have to use your good senses as a cop in your relationship as much as you use it on the job. Don’t let those skills go to waste. If you think someone bad is going on, and you’re getting that same gut-feeling that we all get when we’re going into a crappy situation (think: felony traffic stop in Lynwood with five Southsider gangsters in the car and your closest radio car is two minutes out), then back-off and reevaluate. There are a lot of great women in the world, and there’s no sense in wasting your time or hers if things are going sideways.

I forgot to mention the good part. When you’re in a relationship, your job comes second. For most people that’s a fact of life, but most people aren’t out there busting their chops trying to fight bad guys all over the place. Our job comes first. Everyone had the thought run through their mind about slowing down, moving to another shift, picking up a detective spot in petty crimes, or something that definitely isn’t what you signed up for. When you’re single, all of that goes out the door, and you can continue your career of hooking-and-booking, which is exactly what we all signed up for.

So think about it, and watch for the signs! And of course, you can always shoot me an e-mail at helo(at)drumwaster(dot)com if you need a second opinion. I got your back!