Monday, January 12, 2009

Things That Piss Helo Off: Food Nazi’s

Your tofu burger sucks.

Why do people who take their health so seriously that their diet consists of raw vegetables and cardboard insist on taking shit about everything that you eat? See if any of these sound familiar.

“Oh wow, that hamburger is horrible for you. Do you know how bad that is? I don’t eat red meat.”

“I hope you know that peanut butter you’re eating is packed with saturated fat and sugar. I only eat almond butter.”

“How can you eat those tacos? The meat is fried. I only eat baked turkey and some forms of free-range chicken.”

While I could undoubtedly provide at least six hundred other examples, I think the above three accurately describe the Food Nazi. Every social and/or professional group has a Food Nazi. I’m a prime target for them because I love to have a greasy cheeseburger and a large soda. Food Nazi’s make it a point to tell you how bad the food you’re eating is for your body, and how they eat something far superior and much healthier. The latest trend is for the Food Nazi’s to show-off their expensive blood work so they can document what great health they are in while you simply say, “That’s nice, can you pass the ketchup?”

Food Nazi’s tend to be skinny, not very attractive, and spend so much time focusing on their body that they don’t realize that they look like twigs and sound like self-absorbed assholes. No one wants to hear about how you only eat steamed vegetables and how your diet makes you a better person. It doesn’t. While you’re going to live to be 95, screaming from your soapbox about what a badass you are, I’m going to enjoy every minute of my life and probably live to be somewhere near the same age as you.

So here’s the bottom line: I tell Food Nazi’s to kiss my ass on a daily basis. I recommend doing the same. Nothing feels better than telling a self-absorbed health loon to stick it where the sun don’t shine while eating an In-N-Out burger.